It's Official: There Are No Mermaids

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) wants you to know that there is no scientific evidence of mermaids. They even blogged about it, so it must be true:

The belief in mermaids may have arisen at the very dawn of our species. Magical female figures first appear in cave paintings in the late Paleolithic (Stone Age) period some 30,000 years ago, when modern humans gained dominion over the land and, presumably, began to sail the seas. Half-human creatures, called chimeras, also abound in mythology — in addition to mermaids, there were wise centaurs, wild satyrs, and frightful minotaurs, to name but a few.

But are mermaids real? No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found. Why, then, do they occupy the collective unconscious of nearly all seafaring peoples? That’s a question best left to historians, philosophers, and anthropologists.

This past May, Animal Planet aired a television special called Mermaids: The Body Found, which I forced my husband, in-laws, and boys to watch so that we could all learn about secret truth about the mermaids hidden away deep within our oceans. Since then, NOAA reports that "at least two people" had contacted NOAA to learn more about the truth behind the planet's sub-aquatic humanoid race.