Saturday, October 1, 2011

Davenport, IA -- Apparently Descends into Hell; Victim of Iowa's Marriage Equality?

Perhaps you've tried unsuccessfully to reach friends or family in Davenport, IA, recently?  I think I might have the answer, assuming that the Onion is correct with one of their latest news articles.  If so, the Quad Cities might have recently been reduced by one quarter!:
FORMER DAVENPORT, IAImmediately following the performance of a same-sex marriage ceremony Sunday afternoon at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church on Lincoln Avenue, the city of Davenport, IA and all 99,685 of its residents were reportedly smitten into oblivion by the merciless wrath of God and flung into the deepest bowels of eternal hell.

According to state authorities, the nightmarish incident occurred approximately five seconds after a local pastor pronounced homosexual men Brian Palmer, 39, and Greg DeHaan, 43, married in the eyes of God, at which point a tremor registering 8.5 on the Richter scale ripped the earth asunder and Davenport's inhabitants were swallowed by a widening chasm, where they found themselves eviscerated on the fiery spears of 10 million shrieking demons...

In the wake of the disaster, many friends, relatives, and fellow Iowans said they blamed Brian and Greg most of all, for having given in to Satan's obvious machinations despite the numerous warnings presented to them.

"Why did Brian and Greg insist upon this public, legally binding avowal of their love?" sobbed a relative who now lives in Minnesota and wished to remain anonymous due to fear of reprisals by the Forces of Righteousness. "Why couldn't they have just kept living as second-class citizens, without the tax incentives and insurance flexibility offered to married couples?"...

"We should have seen this coming when that Plague of Locusts appeared in central Scott County last month after they applied for the marriage license," said a terrified Marsha Ternus, former chief justice of the Iowa State Supreme Court, who was ousted last November for her support of an earlier ruling declaring the state's ban on same-sex marriage unconstitutional. "It was such a clear omen, yet we were too blind to see. We have brought the Vengeance of the Lord down upon the people of Davenport with our hubristic refusal to obey what is written in holy scripture. May God have mercy on our souls."
Check out this link for the full story.  And please keep the former residents of Davenport, IA, in your prayers.

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