Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Nero's Final Sacrifice!

Remember when Nero teamed up with Sabrina "Bree" Spellman and Salem the Cat to create the New Archies? My buddy Stuffed Animal had a vision for the next generation of Archies-inspired performers -- Garcy BriseƱo on guitar!  Donna Dante on bass!  Frankie Fujiyama on drums!  Mal Hypster on tambourine!  Toby Maxx on sax!  Rikki Ninja on keyboards!  Lead vocals by Donna, Garcy and Mal!  Managed by Alexander Cabot!  Produced by Bree at Witch Queen Recording Studios!

Here is the rest of the story: The New Archies were doomed from the beginning. They eventually collapsed under the weight of their conflicting talents and personalities. But the biggest factor behind the band's demise was a dark teenage witch named Carmen Serna!

Carmen was the daughter of billionaire and all around bad egg Jason Blossom and witchy stripper Flame Evangelista. She might have been conceived by Blossom, but she spent much of her early childhood with the infamous New Orleans crime boos Jack Serna! She never had a chance!

Carmen was always extremely jealous of the talented Donna Dante -- and she wasn't a fan of Bree Spellman either! She worked behind the scenes for years, secretly hatching all sorts of nefarious plots against Ms. Spellman and the New Archies!

Eventually, the New Archies break up. Donna Dante's lover, Frankie Fujiyama, ends up married to the evil Carmen Serna. It appeared that Carmen was victorious over her old rival -- except that Fuji never got over his true love. That's when Carmen's mind snapped!

It all goes down on the set of a major motion picture. Donna Dante finds herself trapped by the green-eyed Carmen Serna on a giant oil rig covered with explosives! Carmen uses her magical powers to bury Donna deep within the bowels of the oil rig -- so deep that nobody could hope to hear her screams!

Except that somebody does hear. Nero the Dog has been living with Bree Spellman, her wife Heather Kind, and Salem the Cat in their shared Boston penthouse for years. Keep in mind that this is the year 2050. Nero has been around for just over 40 years! I still haven't figured out how he keeps moving, but I assume his stamina comes from all of the magic around him. But magic only goes so far. Nero is still an old dog. His body is stiff and he doesn't have quite the energy that he once had.

But he's loyal to his friends and there was no way that our favorite poodle would ever abandon any of his friends to an unnatural death! Nero experienced a dream about Donna Dante's current dilemma and immediately alerted Bree to the danger.  Bree and Nero flew to the movie set and -- through Bree's benevolent spells -- managed to save Donna from a fiery death.

You have to remember that Carmen Serna's mind has snapped. She tried murdering her old rival and now another of her chief rivals scuttled her plans. There is no going back. Not this time.

With a crackle of dark energy, Carmen manages to knock out Bree Spellman. She then turns her attention to Donna. She's not even trying to be subtle anymore! But Carmen Serna forgot about Donna's other defender: Nero the Dog!

Nero might be old in 2050, but he still has spunk! He distracts the evil witch with a series of biting attacks. Every time she swats at him, he springs to the side and resumes his attacks. But his efforts can only last so long.

Carmen Serna eventually snags our favorite poodle by the collar. She fixed Nero with her poisonous glare. He never had a chance. Nero collapsed and never returned to his feet -- killed by the Carmen's murderous magic.

Around this time, Salem joined the battle. He did a fair job of creating pain for Carmen. But it still wasn't enough. Carmen Serna killed Salem with a series of deadly blasts.

Nero and Salem might have fallen before Carmen Serna, but they provided the distraction needed for Bree to regain her wits. The older witch quickly subdues the younger and banishes Carmen -- along with her husband Frankie Fujiyama -- to the Seventh Void. This is a dimensional trap -- essentially inescapable.

Bree Spellman uses her magic and influence to make the world believe that Carmen and Fuji died tragically on the movie set -- secretly grieving with Donna Danted for the loss of Nero the Dog and Salem the Cat.

But Bree's magic is powerful. She managed to reunite Salem's soul with his long-lost human body. Unfortunately, Nero's body was destroyed on that movie set. There's no returning for my beloved poodle. But maybe -- just maybe -- there is the possibility for spiritual rebirth...

RIP Nero! You lived longer than most poodles and you lived those years well!


Donny Jacobs said...


Between the two of us, YOU are the better storyteller. But Nero is one of the greatest cartoon heroes ever conceived, and that's a fact. You, Mark and Ms. Lion must be so proud of him! And as you know, he'll be back!!!

Jon said...

Thanks Donny!

Hopefully I'll still be around in 2050 so that I can mourn his passing!

As far as Nero's return? That story will eventually appear -- probably over the weekend! :)

kehau said...

R.I.P. Nero!

(I really missed these...)

Jon said...

Kehau: There's a follow up to Nero's cartoon passing that I need to write. And I definitely will. I've just been busy working on an Archie panel for an upcoming con and it's taking much kore mental energy than originally planned! ;)