Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Open Letter to the Anti-Gay SSA Christian Who Disagrees with Gay Marriage Because of Bisexuality...

I was on Gay Christian Network the other day and folks were talking about the U.S. Supreme Court hearing a case that could legalize same-sex marriage through all 50 states and/or require that marriage inequality states recognize the marriages of same-sex couples who got legally married elsewhere. Most of the people were hopeful, though quibbled over one detail or another.

There is this one guy on GCN who has been there for years. He was married to a woman for a while. He experienced what he calls "same-sex attractions" from time to time, so he divorced his wife and proceeded to not date any guys. Because he believes that this would be sinful. But he cannot find any new women that he likes and he cannot find any guys who want to get into close, non-sexual relationships with him.

He's always been a bit of a gadfly. Usually I limit my interactions with him. But not today. Which was my mistake.

"Joe" observed in the thread that he believes that the U.S. Supreme Court will rule in favor of same-sex marriage, but that he disagrees with this. He believes that this case redefines marriage in a way that legitimizes heterosexuality and homosexuality, but discriminates on the basis of bisexuality.

He stated that a bisexual person can never be truly married to one man or one woman. And that's why the U.S. Supreme Court should rule against nationwide recognition of same-sex marriage. Because bisexuals will be unhappy with only one spouse.

Dear Joe...

I am not a bisexual. But I'm married to a bisexual man and we've been together nearly 21 years. And I know other bisexual people. So I have some understanding of this topic.

First, bisexuality just means that you are attracted to both sexes. It doesn't mean that you have to have people of both sexes sexually.

Second, most married people experience attractions and temptations to people besides their spouse. This is true for people of all sexual orientations. As married people, we have choices. We can cope with these temptations and remain faithful. We can compromise and act out accommodations to monogamy (with or without our spouse's knowledge). Or we can separate and/or divorce as a response to these temptations.

I understand that you have strong, conservative values that cause you to disagree with marriages that don't consist of one man and one woman. But there are marriages that branch out sexually from time to time. They might be into polyamory. Or they might have an open marriage. Or they might be into swinging as a way to keep things interesting. Or one spouse might just be into adultery.

Variations of these options have been exercised by married partners for generations. They might not be choices that you support, but they are choices that available to bisexual people who choose to marry one person, but sexually interested in someone else.

Lastly, not everyone has to get married. This is true for bisexuals, as well as heterosexuals and gay people. If someone doesn't want to commit to marriage, it's not required.

You later claimed, Joe, that you believe that you might be bisexual. You believe that the gay marriage movement discriminates against people like you who might need to marry one woman and one man. You claim that you have become more reluctant to support gay marriage because of this discrimination.

I pointed out that there are groups out there that are trying to overcome bigamy laws and to eventually legalize forms of polyamory and/or plural marriages. I suggested that you could reach out to those groups to support their efforts if you truly want to marry a man and a woman.

You then said that your Biblical beliefs prohibit you from working to further the cause of these plural marriage groups. You believe that they "don't go by the Bible" and don't want to create the right type of plural marriage, envisioned by you.

All this is to say that I'm sick of you fucking around with circular arguments that claim that gay marriage advocates promote discrimination to bisexual people for not addressing their need for multiple partners, while simultaneously dismissing plural marriage advocates for not being the right type of plural marriage advocates.

Husband Mark told me that you are just dicking around and trying to wind people up, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. I really hate it when Mark is proven correct.

But let me make one point clear. Your issues and this court case are not connected. The U.S. Supreme Court could rule for or against marriage equality. Either way, you will still struggle with attractions to other men, as well as women. You will need to resolve these attractions on a personal level regardless how they rule. You will need to figure out if you truly need to be with a man and a woman -- and to find partners who are willing to enter into such parallel relationships -- regardless how they rule.

In other words, you need to work out your personal demons instead of coming up with convoluted reasons to oppose others' marriages.

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